The University of Michigan Joke List ...

• Do you know why the Michigan-Ohio State game was almost cancelled this year?
  Because Michigan couldn't get past Toledo. (Thanks Logan!)
  (Sad but true, in Michigan's worst football season ever (3-9 overall), they lost to little Toledo 10-13 on Oct. 11, 2008.)

• From the Onion:
  

  University Of Michigan Expands Michigan Stadium To Seat Everyone In Michigan...

  

On Sept. 1, 2007 Michigan lost to Appalachian State, 34-32.

• How many batteries does it take to beat Michigan in football?
  1-AA
  

• Beating Michigan: So easy a caveman can do it!

At first we thought the Boys in Blue just didn't take the game seriously enough, plus the fact that Appy State was the 2006 NCAA Division I-AA National Champions. But then came Sept. 8, 2007. The Oregon Ducks showed our boys the truth of the matter: 39-7. It's gonna be a long season... (The rest of the season wasn't a total waste, but Michigan did lose to OSU again. However, Lloyd Carr went out on a win over last year's national Champs, Florida! Meanwhile, OSU lost their second national championship game in a row. boo hoo.)

Michigan's unfortunate loss to Appalachian State even made it into a political cartoon:

• A farmer was walking in his fields near Ann Arbor, Michigan and he heard the sound of distant singing. Confused, he tried to follow the sound. It led him to a group of his cattle and surprisingly to the rear end of one little calf. He bent down and lifted the tail so he could hear clearer and it was the University of Michigan Fight Song!

  Amazed, the farmer loaded his calf into a trailer and drove into town. He went to see his vet and explained what he had discovered. The vet said "well, bring em out and we'll take a look." So the farmer led the calf out of his trailer and up the vet. The vet bent down, lifted the tail and calmly stood back up. "Sure enough, that is the University of Michigan Fight Song."

  The farmer was ecstatic. "Doc! Why aren't you more excited!? This is amazing! Unheard of! We gotta tell people!"

  The vet, a third generation Michigan State University grad said, "Hell Bud, I'm a Spartan - I have been listening to assholes sing that song my whole life."

• Why did Lloyd Carr make his Michigan Wolverines start eating their Wheaties straight out of the box?
  Because they choke whenever they get near bowls.
  (<sigh> The 2006 Bowl season ended just like the 2005 bowl season. All we can do is say, "Maybe next year." At least we kicked Notre Dame's ass in 2006.)

• How you you make University of Michigan cookies?
  Put them in a big bowl and Beat them for three hours.

• What does the University of Michigan and marijuana have in common?
  They Both get smoked in bowls.

• How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard?
  Put up a goal post and paint Roses on the grass beneath it.

• Why did Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
  To keep the Michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time. (The stadium switched back to artificial turf in 2003.)
  

• Why were they covering the Ohio Stadium field with toilet paper?
  Because pollsters say that the Buckeyes look better on paper! (Added Nov. 19, 2003 as we prepare for the Michigan-OSU game on Saturday. Go Blue!)

• What's the difference between the Big House and a cactus?
  The cactus has its pricks on the outside!

• Two boys are playing football at a park in Ann Arbor when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

  Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.

  A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it 'Young Wolverine Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".

  "But I'm not a Wolverine fan," the little hero replies.

  "Sorry, since we're in Ann Arbor, I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'Spartan Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"

  "I'm not a Spartan fan either," the boy says.

  "Oh, I thought everyone in Michigan was either for the Wolverines or the Spartans. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

  "I'm an Ohio State Buckeyes fan," the boy replies. "They're the best."

  The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Ohio Kills Beloved Family Pet."

• A highly recruited high school football player...
  was visiting schools to try and find the best college to attend. His first stop was at Florida State.

  When he got there, Bobby Bowden immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.

  "Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university. And we think you could be one of our stars!" The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,250. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. Who would want to live in Florida anyway?

  His next stop was Ohio State. Upon entering John Cooper's office, Coach Cooper immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God. We'll let him know." and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen that phone before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Cooper said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $150. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left. He didn't want to live in Ohio either.

  His last stop was in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Carr picked up a golden telephone, talked to God. After a few minutes he said, "Thanks," and hung up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. From Florida it was going to cost me $1,250. From Ohio they wanted $150. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Michigan?"

  The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."

• How many University of Michigan students does it take to change a light bulb?
  Two. One to do it and another one to claim they did it just as well as any Ivy League school.

• How do you get a University of Michigan graduate off of your doorstep?
  Pay him for the pizza.

• The University of Michigan
  They call it maize -- we call it corn.

• Apologies to Dr. Seuss

  I cannot beat the Maize and Blue.
  I do not like them much, do you?

  I cannot beat them in Columbus.
  I cannot beat them, it makes me cuss.
  I cannot beat them in Ann Arbor.
  I cannot beat them, ask my barber.
  I cannot beat them when it's Bo.
  I cannot beat them when it's Mo.
  I cannot beat them with Lloyd Carr.
  I cannot beat them near or far.

  I cannot beat them at my home.
  I could not beat them in a dome.
  I cannot beat them when we're better.
  I cannot beat them in bad weather.

  I cannot beat them with Tom, Dick, or Harry.
  I cannot beat them and it's getting scary.
  The alumni are breathing down my neck.
  I cannot beat them, not even a speck.

  I cannot beat the Maize and Blue.
  I do not like them much. Do you?

  by John Cooper? (OSU coach who was fired because he could never win a game against UofM!)

If you would like to add your own favorite to this list, send it along to me at and I'll consider it.
Let's be clear here: These are funny jokes about the University of Michigan. If it's crude, rude and socially unacceptable, then it had better be funny! And if I can't figure out how it relates to UofM or Ann Arbor, then forget it. And please, no "What's the difference between a UofM coed and a bowling ball?" crud.

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This page is maintained by Ryan Simmons, at .
Updated in November 2008.