The List About Michiganders ...
It's winter and group of friends from Michigan challenge a visiting group of friends from Ohio to some fishing. The Ohio folks agree and so they all head out to get fishing gear and get started.
After a while, they all get back together and the Ohio folks are surprised to see the Michigan folks have a couple buckets of fish already and they've got nothing! No one wants to give up yet, so they all go back to their sides of the lake.
The Ohio people decide to send a spy out to see what the Michigan people are doing and how they are doing it...
He comes back and says "My gosh, we're never going to win!"
"Why not?" they all wonder.
The spy says, "They're actually cutting through the ice!"
- Michigan, My Michigan
It's winter here in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
... At 22 below!
Oh, how I love my Michigan,
When the snow's up to my butt.
I take a breath of winter air,
And freeze my nostrils shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful!
So I guess I'll hang around.
'Cuz I could never leave Michigan,
I'm frozen to the ground!!!
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde (probably an OSU grad) catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
- Your co-worker tells you she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
- You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a decent house near town.
- You can't remember....is pot illegal?
- You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
- You have a very strong opinion on where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
- A really great parking space can move you to tears.
- You spend $4.00 on a cup of coffee at a local coffee house and don't bat an eye.
- You know there's nothing unusual about wearing shorts in April - unless you're originally from Ohio.
- You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring, and is named "Breeze."
- And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
- Your kindergartner has a Web Page!
- You are thinking of taking an adult ed class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Mandarin or building your own website classes.
- A man walks by in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
- A woman walks by with live poultry. You don't notice.
- Someone walks by in a business suit on Friday and you DO notice.
- You keep a list of companies to boycott.
- Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight, your pizza delivery person has a masters degree and your Avon Lady is a guy in drag.
- Your "Surfboard" has 101 keys.
- You can eat at a different restaurant every Saturday night for over two years before you visit one twice!
- When you do visit a restaurant for the second time its "Theme" has changed.
- You can walk just one block and pass by three outdoor cafes (... and you can remember when they used to be a candy store, a book store, a restaurant, etc.)
Did you hear about this half-Finnish, half-Japanese guy in Copper Harbor?
Every December 7th he got bombed and attacked Pearl Maki.
How about the two guys leaving a bar in Negaunee? (Maybe Eino & Toivo?)
It was quite dark when they left (the sun having set several hours ago) and started walking back towards the room they had rented.
In their drunken stupor they inadvertently turned onto a local railroad track instead of the street. They went along the track for some time until one of them said "Boy, this sure is a long stairway!"
The second drunk replied "Yeah, and look how low the railing is!"
There were these two Trolls sitting next to each other at a bar in Helmer, probably the Rustic.
First guy starts to light a smoke, but his lighter won't work.
Other guy says "Maybe you're out of flint."
First guy says, "Nope. Saginaw."
A Texan, a Canadian, and a Michigander are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid-air.
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and a bottle of it's cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of Molsen, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? Molsen's a good imported beer!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there're plenty of brews and a bottle of it's cheap."
So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of Vernors. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?!"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
(And a variation on a theme...)
Texan, a New Yorker, and an Ann Arborite...
A Texan, a New Yorker, and an Ann Arborite were drinking their favorite beverages in a bar.
The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"
The Ann Arborite drained his bottle of Grizzly Peak beer, threw it up in the air, pulled out his deer rifle, and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said, "we recycle these... and we have plenty of New Yorkers."
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Michigan.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Michigan.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Lions must have won the Super Bowl!
A Michigander was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached Arizona an announcement was made that they were now passing over the Grand Canyon. He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine. The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed." The Michigander replied, "If you've seen one pothole, you've seen them all!"
A newcomer to the state was sitting in the bar talking to a grizzled old Michigander. The February wind was howling outside and kicking up some pretty good-sized drifts. The conversation eventually came around to the weather and the newcomer says, "I was talking around to some of the other locals and they said that even though the weather's bad right now, you had a really nice summer."
"I wouldn't know about that," said the old-timer. "My wife finally badgered me to do some of the things I had been promissing to do and I was in the basement all that day"
A man dies one Saturday morning and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. Everything is glorious. There is a music hall with every kind of music to listen to and all played with angelic perfection. The dining hall offers food beyond compare. And the residences, St. Peter assures him, are comfortable beyond all imagination. On their way to the residences, they turn down a hall where everyone is chained to the wall. St. Peter offers no comments as they continue down the long passageway. After a few minutes the man can suppress his curiosity no longer and asks St. Peter, "If this is Heaven and everything is so wonderful why are these people chained up?" St. Peter answers, "Oh, those are the Michiganders. If we don't keep them chained up they try to go to their cabins on the weekends."
If you would like to add your own favorite to this list, send it along to me at
and I'll consider it.
Let's be clear here: These are funny jokes about the state of Michigan. If it's crude, rude and socially unacceptable, then it had better be funny! And if I can't figure out how it relates to Michigan, then forget it. Generic ethnic jokes with a Michigander put in it won't work.
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This page is maintained by Ryan Simmons, at .
Updated in January 2008