Rules to Driving in Metro Detroit ...

Start your engines!
1. A true Detroit woman driver can successfully put on panty hose, lipstick, and talk on their cell phone all while in 70 mile an hour in bumper to bumper traffic.
2. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.
3. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
4. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
5. Large SUV drivers think they're immortal, (especially if they have 4WD); don't succumb to the temptation to test this theory.
6. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
7. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
9. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.
10. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make Detroit look high-tech.
11. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
12. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
13. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Detroit driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
14. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Detroit.
15. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. It might be more interesting than the articles in last week's National Inquirer.
16. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives the Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.
17. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, (especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or a Chevy logo).
18. Learn to swerve abruptly. Detroit is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to MDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
19. It is traditional in Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. This is a drag race isn't it?
20. When the light turns green, put the pedal to the metal; gas is cheap in Michigan, pollution is a myth, and this is a drag race isn't it?
21. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
22. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
23. Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
24. Also remember that the number of idiot drivers on the road impeding your progress is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to reach your destination.

And here's an additional driving pointer...

• You know your in Hamtramck when all the streets are one way and people are driving backwards down them because they are lost. (Sounds a little bit like Ann Arbor as well.)

If you would like to add your own favorite to this list, send it along to me at and I'll consider it.

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This page is maintained by Ryan Simmons, at .
Updated in January 2005.