The List About the Detroit Lions ...

Sad but true, the Lions continue their losing ways. Over the years I've collected the jokes below. Some may not make perfect sense this year, but you don't have to think back too far ... before you hang your head in disbelief.

Well, the Lions are back at their typical hijinks here in 2008... This from The Onion:

September 25, 2008, DETROIT — Lions owner William Clay Ford, Sr. expressed consternation and anger Monday upon realizing that Matt Millen had been acting as president and general manager of the team for the past three years. "I could have sworn I'd fired that lunkhead back in '05 and promoted Mariucci," Ford said when reporters questioned him about Millen leaving the team. "I guess that's why I kept seeing him in the halls. My God, how's the team been doing?" Ford excused himself without further comment on the issue, saying he had to call star running back Barry Sanders and assure him his job with the team was safe regardless of front-office issues. ©Copyright 2008 Onion Inc.

And this was way down on the page but I decided to bring it back up for the 2008 season...

Q. How do the Detroit Lions count?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10, 0-11, 0-12.

  • Where's the safest place in a tornado?
    The Lions end zone at Ford Field: there are never any touchdown there!

Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

  • Why did the NFL award Super Bowl XL to the city of Detroit?
    Because they felt bad for the Lions, figuring it was the closest the team would ever come to a Super Bowl.

  • What do you call the Detroit Lions at the Super Bowl?
    (Maybe especially true at Super Bowl XL on Feb. 5, 2006!)

  • What is the first thing that Detroit fans will hear after the Lion win the Super Bowl?
    Their alarm clocks

  • What do you call a turkey that gets sacked, stuffed, battered, and devoured every year on Thanksgiving day?
    Joey Harrington

  • What is the smallest room at Ford Field?
    The trophy room

Even this is not enough to help the Lions win:

Hell sign frozen over

Team Name Change
The Detroit Lions name should be changed to the "Detroit Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

Coach Change
Similarly, Marty Mornhinweg should be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones.

(Attributed to Kolyan DasGupta)

Detroit Lions News Flash

Lions football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours.

One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Marty Mornhinweg immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

There is a mama lion, a daddy lion & a baby lion. The mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front of a judge to decide custody of the baby lion.

The judge asks the baby lion "Do you wanna live with mama lion?" The baby lion answers, "No mama lion beats me."

The judge said, "All right, do you wanna live with daddy lion?"

The baby lion answers, "No daddy lion beats me worse."

The judge asks, "Who do you wanna live with then?"

The baby answers, "The Detroit Lions, they don't beat anybody."

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.

His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles,10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.

His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Detroit Lions.

These riddles mostly came from that spectacular 2001 season (2-14), which was a whopping one game worse than the 2002 season (3-13). Here's to 2003!

Q. What's the difference between the Detroit Lions the Taliban?
A. The Taliban have a running game.

Q. What do the Detroit Lions & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 80,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ"!

Q. How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A. To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. Why doesn't Flint have a professional football team?
A. Because then Detroit would want one.

Q. Why was Marty Mornhinweg upset when the Detroit Lions playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q. How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Detroit Lions.

Q. What do the Detroit Lions and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Detroit Lions are going to run the football?
A. The back leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

Q. Knock knock
    Who's there.
    Owen Who?
A. Oh an' 10.

The average American will travel 100 miles this holiday season, except the Detroit Lions... They cant even go ten yards.

Q. Could the Lions-effect ruin Michigan's winter?
This was from WOOD TV, Channel 8 in Grand Rapids. We'll have to wait until the winter of '01-'02 is over to find out if there really is a Lions-effect.

(Grand Rapids, December 3, 2001, 10:50 a.m.) Most meteorologists are forecasting a very snowy winter in West Michigan, but WOOD TV8 meteorologist Bill Steffen claims one factor could prevent a winter wonderland this year—the Detroit Lions.

Most people in West Michigan are aware of the lake effect, the increase in snow seen around the lakeshore. But according to Steffen, Michigan is affected more significantly by the Lion-effect. Since 1948, every time the Lions have won ten or more games in a season, West Michigan has had above normal winter snowfall. And every time the Lions have won fewer than five games in a season, Grand Rapids has had below normal snowfall.

The difference is startling. In seasons when the Lions win 10 games, West Michigan averages 85 ˝ inches of snow. In years featuring 4 Lion triumphs or less, the area averages only 55 inches of snow during the winter. The method has worked 100% of the time since 1948.

So forget the wooly worms, forget the Farmer’s Almanac and forget the fancy computers and just watch the Lions. The way this season is going, we may have palm trees growing in Grand Rapids by January.

(NOTE: There was plenty of snow in the winter of '02-'03 and the Lions still sucked in the 2002 season, even worse than in 2001. So it seems that the Lions-effect isn't 100%.)

If you would like to add your own favorite to this list, send it along to me at and I'll consider it.

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Updated in November 2008